I just realized how time could possibly be the greatest gift someone could offer, when he always gave his time for me and that was the most pleasure, lovely, sweet and precious gift for me. When i was tired, or frustrated, or scared, or angry, he would talk to me, listen to me, console me with what was on his mind and in his heart. He was affectionate in all the right ways. He, in his special ways, made me feel special, made me feel treasured, made me feel loved, no matter where we were, or what time of day, or who was around. He always be here. 

Tonight, i blamed my self, for all those time he through alone and i couldn't be on his side, for all his struggle with things that i never beside of him, for every his big days i passed in his live recently. 

I blamed my self, but he won't allowed it.

I was in tears with the deepest and worst pain i felt on my chest, but he wouldn't let me cry alone.

We weren't guarded, when i saw he cried i crushed. 

I swear to God if only i didn't stuck with these super fucking tight schedules in hospital i wanted to be with him, when he'd barely made it through, scratching and kicking all the way to the other side. Sadly, i couldn't make it. When i supposed to beside him to through those days, i only gave him support by text or call. The craziest thing is we're not even apart yet, we're still in one damn city but i drowned with all my tasks, papers and works. If only i could pass just one day from my schedules i would, i really really would be with him. Like he always did.  It doesn't mean i don't put the efforts on this, i do. Lack of sleep and among those deadlines, we try to meet somewhere in the middle somehow, even it just for one hour or two, i want to see him, talk to him, pull him into one of those huge, warm hugs of mine and squeeze the stresses from his mind like a wrung out sponge. 

I was so hurt to saw him in tears, all i ever asked was forgiveness for my absences then he whispered "you didn't choose this" and wiped my tears. I know there's a price we have to pay for things and this is it. I stuck on my clinic year and he will go out of town to reach out his dreams. But, i believe we can find the silver lining on this. Even though there are a ton of low points when it comes to distance-shit, the highs are higher than he’d ever think could be possible, which makes every mile apart from each other worth it in the end.  Distance is not a dead end. So don't be sad, we still have forever to figure out and make this thing work out, right Der?