think-er

I have trouble sleeping lately. Oh well, it's not a new thing of course. I have been trouble sleeping since long time a go. Most of the cause is there's something bothering me, beside-skripsi-thingy, it's like when you have un-answered question filling your head when you tried to sleep. Everytime i close my head, try to relax, suddenly out of no where this thing pops out of my head. Next thing i do is i turn my laptop on --browsing, write something, or do other stupid wasting time thing you could do on internet, or re-read a novel and magazine beside my bed --which i already knew what page i want to read and i don't want to read, or turn my TV pick some films and start watching something. But this time is different, i prefer stay in my bed and thinking. 

I'm a thinker, i'm thinking too much, my friends said i always put my self on hard situation. I do not care how much i hurt myself. Something went wrong with my brain i guess. So much too think and too do kinda make my brain short of explode. After all that time on my own, i become guarded. Protecting my own heart day in and day out. I have my defenses up, but so desperately want someone to come knock them down.

"So you wait, and you reflect. And you overthink. And you rethink. You wonder what could’ve been, or perhaps what could be with people you have already met in your life. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re meeting someone And you have to be honest with yourself and admit that it’s because of the wall.This wall was built by a number of people over a number of years and experiences. And you just wonder how you let it get so tall. So you sit here patiently, and decided take some time for yourself to recoup. You try to take down this wall brick-by-brick. You do this so you can grow, to learn more about yourself and how you can move forward to become the person you want to be. Because you know that once you reach that point, you can be strong enough to break through that wall. You know that you’re the only one keeping yourself from finding love. You know that this time you have on your own is a crucial growing experience, even as heartbreaking and impatience-inducing it could be."

I'm bad at words, i mean i really can't say what i want to say. I prefer to keep it all on my mind and let it fade away, but the fact is, it eats me up. Why it's so hard to talk to someone you know? Why it takes so much courage just to say "I miss you, can we just talk?" or "I really want to see you, come over and drive away to somewhere". Why you can't say things you wanted to say? Why you let your self having trouble sleeping because you wondering things you never had courage to do? Why, Ran? I really want to talk what's on my mind easily but it damn hard. So if you find me struggle with my words please please bear with me, talk to me just guide me to let my words out. But, i'll try my best to speak out with you. One thing, i speak the truth. Communication is the antidote of hurt, and honesty won’t kill anybody, but it won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. If there’s something on your mind i’d want the honest truth, that way if either of us chooses to leave we both will know the reason why. 

It takes 4 hours to write this, i need a rest. Anyway, I am in the middle of facing final tests, OSCE, SOCA, UAB, skripsi and prepare for kompre on January. Things have gone so fast, yes?