When i was young, i figured by the age of 22, i would have everything figured out. Maybe i would have my own place or already have the job i always wanted or get into higher education. And maybe i would be in a stable relationship and have it grow into a beautiful companionship. But alas, childhood fantasies don’t normally turn into one’s reality. After graduating from Uni last month, time has continued to surprise me by flying by at a rapid rate. I realize my childhood self is probably looking up at me in dismay, but truth be told, I’m 22-years-old and i don’t know what the heck i’m doing.

After 3,5 years of learning how to live by myself and being independent from my parents, well not literally being-so-independent, i have moved back home. And while i do love my parents and their undying love, i yearn to live by myself without having to panic about what lunch will i have today or what will i do if i running out of money. After these years of making new friends and learning more about myself in this process, i have gone back to the town where my high school acquaintances lurk in the shadows. I feel like i am 18 all over again, aching to do something different in my life. Aching to meet new people and experience new things. 

Except I don’t have the luxury of being 18 anymore. 

I find myself in questioning a lot, like really really a lot. It’s complete biased, but it’s a growing experience. Every drunken mistake, every 2AM study session, every nerve-wracking drive to dates, every depressing paper shit and stuffs, every shed of tears wasted for fuckboys, every words they throwed up, every oh-i-won't-ever-do-that-stuffs but i did those stuffs somehow–these are the craziest and best years of my life. Twenties are the crazy, selfish, discovery years. I'm supposed to be exploring, traveling, making mistakes, falling in love, feeling on top of the world, and completely failing. I have to stop depending myself on someone, because lately i've been so needy and i became someone i should tell myself not to be. Oh God, i miss being so hard. I'm not supposed to have this grand plan of how everything is going to work out…but i should have something. 

I’m so tired of people saying “Oh, you’re only twenty-whatever. You’ll figure it out.” You’re damn right i will. But i'm not only twenty-whatever. I’m already twenty-whatever. The time is now.

Now i’m not sitting here saying i have my life figured out. (Because dear God, i don’t). There’s really no way to have it all figured out, no way to plan for the unknown, no way to really know what it is you want to do with my life.

But i guess i have to try. I have to do, go, live. 

Because these are the years to grow, to take a terrible things to find my limits, to go back for a second degree, to falling in love, broken, and falling in love again or to try a long distance relationship, to meet bunches of people who shape my worldview and shake the essence of what i thought i knew about relationships and life, to make plenty of mistakes i'll learn someday, to spend money on ridiculously expensive concerts, to brave to say no for things i actually won't do, to move to a foreign city alone, to let go all the negative vibes, to throw what’s realistic aside and follow my passions. But i can’t sit back passively and watch the years go by, hoping one day i’ll figure it out.

I have to get my shit together and start doing. Because for goodness sake, i'm fucking going twenty-two already.